Losing and Finding Myself

Photo by Ashley Batz from Unsplash

​Sometimes life seems to move by so sluggishly and other days, it flashes by. In those fleeting moments, I feel like I'm trying to grasp each second and remember it before it escapes me. I want to remember everything, so I have something good to remind myself of on bad days. Recently, I had one of those moments.

As the New Year began to approach, it brought with it a burst of ideas, resolutions and promises to myself. I love New Years because it's the opportunity to start over with a clean slate. There are possibilities. Reaching the end of 2016 means that I have been hunting for a full time job for a little more than three and a half years. Three and a half years of cover letters, resumes, emails, writing samples, endless waiting and rejection after rejection. Rejection is so difficult, even for the most confident people because it means that even if you value your worth, you just didn't measure up to someone else's. I know I'm smart and talented, but it feels like no one is giving me a chance to show off my skills. Being constantly rejected takes me down a dark path that makes me wonder if I'm talented enough to measure up to anything. 

​I've been living in Baltimore for about two and a half years. I've quit my part-time corporate retail job, been fired for the first time and am now working a part-time retail job at a small business and I enjoy working there. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? No. But is it good enough for now? Absolutely. I couldn't help reflecting on this as January approached. Finally, I decided it was time to summon up my strength and decided to jump into the job pool again. I've been out of college for four and a half years and I realized I needed to start trying to get back on track toward what makes me happy.

​First, I put out feelers and asked friends for job recommendations. Finally, a friend who shares my love of travel forwarded me a job that looked pretty perfect. It was a nonprofit organization that works with world-renowned photographers. Their mission is to further environmental and conservation efforts through photography. The position would be managing their social media accounts, responding to inquiries from the public, talking to press, as well as editing and publishing articles on the organization and their campaigns. If I could have thought of a job that combined all my interests, this would be it. I didn't know I wanted this job until I found it. Then I received an email, asking if I would be available to do a Skype interview that Friday.

The procrastinator that I am, I put off preparing until the day before. But then, I went full steam ahead. I looked at the site, studied the campaigns, picked some of the ones that stood out to me the most, researched some of the photographers and memorized their mission. I'm not a good interviewer. I hate being put on the spot, talking about myself and being the center of attention. I've only been on a handful of interviews but for each, I was extremely nervous. In one interview, I was so nervous that my voice shook the entire time. Embarrassing! But, for this one, I felt pretty well prepared. That is until I started practicing in the car, on the way back from dinner with my boyfriend, Sam. He was asking me why I wanted to work there, what the company was all about and why my experience made me a strong candidate.

My problem with interviewing is that I lose track of what I'm saying, start blabbering and then I don't even remember what the question was or what I was trying to say. It's awful. I sound like that Miss Carolina when she's trying to explain why she thinks most Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map, "I personally believe that most U.S. Americans are unable to do because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that education like, such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe the education over here should help South Africa..." Basically, I just start speaking without any point or meaning. It's horrifying and embarrassing. 

After a couple of these answers with Sam, I burst into tears. I felt so unprepared and stupid. A lot of it came from the fact that I just didn't believe in myself and the fact that a lot was riding on this interview for me. I was tired of being broke all the time and working a job that didn't bring me joy. This had to be it. I needed to have a full time job that I loved. Sam stopped questioning me and we moved on to other topics. I fell into bed exhausted and woke up early the next morning so I could better prepare myself. I went to work and all day, I practiced my answers in my head. By the time I arrived home, that day I felt a little better.

The night before, I read over my research on the company once more and then meditated for ten minutes. It helped me collect my thoughts, even though it felt like there were crickets in my stomach. The next day, the interview went really well. I was nervous, but I felt sure of myself and I took the time to think about my answers before responding. There were a few brief moments, where I started spouting out nervous answers, but I managed to calm down and keep going. Afterwards, the woman who was interviewing me emailed me a test to complete. I found it pretty difficult but I broke it down, which made it manageable. I really wanted to make sure it was my absolute best work. Come Monday morning, I was still tweaking it. Finally, I had to just fix what I could and send it off. I crossed my fingers, breathed a sigh of relief and went on with my day.

This morning, I woke up to an email in my inbox:

Thanks India.
Would you be available to come to the office on Thursday for an in-person interview?  Ideally, 11:00 AM or so?
Best -

I was practically jumping up and down. I felt such a rush of relief and joy. Not only had they liked my work, but they wanted to meet me again. That Thursday, I had my second interview. It went terribly. I was greeted by the same woman and a man as well. They sat me down in a small office, crammed with filing cabinets. The interview started out well but then they started asking me very specific questions. I tried my best to answer them, but they kept asking me to get more and more specific. It quickly became apparent that I was in over my head. Finally, the woman explained to me what they were looking for. It wrapped up pretty quickly after that and I left feeling disappointed. I was disappointed that I hadn't been prepared enough and that it felt like this perfect job was above my expertise. But thinking back on it now, it was a lesson. I put in the work but I could have dug deeper. Next time, I need to think about the people hiring for the job and think about what they might be looking for in a candidate. This also was potentially a field I might not have had enough knowledge in. It wasn't completely my fault.

Whatever happens in future interviews, I know now what I need to do and how much research I need to put into job so that I can feel confident, knowing I'll stand out and be of value.